


Loki+

by Weaselwoman



Category: Disney Television, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Buzz Off Harley, Croquet, Disney Plus, Disneyland, F/M, Fenris - Freeform, Ice Cream, Jormundgandr, Saturday Night Live - Freeform, married with children - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 20:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16899453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weaselwoman/pseuds/Weaselwoman
Summary: In 2019, Disney is producing a miniseries on television based on Marvel’s character Loki (played by Tom Hiddleston). Here’s how the pilot episode might go…





	1. Pilot: Married … with Loki

**Act 1:**

**Scene** : The Bundy living room from _Married with Children_. SIGYN (Katey Sagal) in a housedress, is sitting on the couch, facing us. The Television is in front of her, and she is eating bon-bons.

Enter LOKI (Tom Hiddleston) in Asgardian armor (the black-shouldered suit, not the gold-plated one), with no helmet and slicked back hair, from the Inside Door.

LOKI: I’m bored! Bored, bored, bored!

SIGYN, rising from the couch and coming to him: Oh, Al! We could always have a three-way.

LOKI, interested: Oh, really? And don’t call me Al.

SIGYN: Sure! Or maybe a four-way, a five-way… There’s Balder, he’s dreamy, and Fandral and Hogun, and Thor has all those muscles, and maybe Skurge…

LOKI: That’s for you! What about me?

SIGYN: Well, they might let you play, too… You still fit in your bridemaid’s outfit.

LOKI, aside: Why did I let Thor convince me to wear pink? What am I doing here, anyway? When I could be playing Shakespeare, or Pinter, or even a Swedish cop! Damn those Marvel contracts!

SIGYN elbows him.

SIGYN: Get back into character! [Then, more sweetly:] Well, maybe not. But you have a family, you know!

From the Outside Door, enter NARFI (Mikey Day, playing as Donald Trump Jr.) and VALI (Alex Moffat, playing as Eric Trump).

NARFI: Dad! I shot a bilgesnipe!

LOKI: Very good, son!

VALI: I’m Eric! (NARFI elbows him.) I mean, I’m Vali!

LOKI: Yes, yes. So why did you come in?

NARFI and VALI, together: We’re bored!

LOKI: As are we all. What shall we do about it?

NARFI and VALI, together: Field trip!

SIGYN: And I know just where to go.

LOKI: You mean, all of us?

SIGYN, glaring at him: Yes.

LOKI swallows.

LOKI: So where is my daughter, Hela?

SIGYN: _Your_ daughter is babysitting, with that friend of hers, Natasha.

NARFI, helpfully: She said something about giving boys showers when she left.

VALI: Of gold!

LOKI, confused: Golden showers?

SIGYN sniffs.

SIGYN: I don’t know where she learns such things.

NARFI and VALI, together: The Internet!

LOKI: Finish your tasks, boys, then we can go. Fenrir needs a walk, and, Vali, you’ve ignored Jormundgandr for too long.

VALI: He only eats every other week!

SIGYN: Yes, but his cage is full of stinky leftovers. Someone needs to clean it up.

VALI, whining: Dad! Mom!

LOKI and SIGYN together: Clean it!

NARFI elbows VALI.

NARFI: Tell you what. I’ll clean Jormie’s cage if you walk Fenrir.

VALI: But…

NARFI: It’s a deal! (Exits through Inside Door.)

VALI: But… (Exits rapidly through Outside Door, pursued by giant wolf.)

The parents are alone in the Living Room.

LOKI: So I guess we’re going. Where did you have in mind?

SIGYN, throwing her arms wide: The Happiest Place on Earth!

**Act 1 ends. Commercial.**

*******


	2. Act 2, Scene 1

**Act 2:**

[Begin with Montage of stills showing the wonders of Disneyland: Happy crowds, Disney characters, rides, etc. Perhaps intermix images of the Disney Loki character (but not Tom Hiddleston)]

**Scene 1** : A flat background painted to look like Disneyland. LOKI, SIGYN, NARFI and VALI are standing in front; LOKI still in full costume, SIGYN in a Disneyland Castle Logo sweatshirt and yoga pants, NARFI in casual boys’ clothes. VALI is wearing Mickey Mouse Ears and a Minnie Mouse T-shirt over his chinos. NARFI has a stuffed bilgesnipe, and a shopping bag from the Disney Store.

SIGYN: Isn’t this fun?

LOKI, to Sigyn: It’s insultingly puerile.

SIGYN elbows LOKI.

LOKI, brightly, to the children: Well, what would you like to do next?

NARFI: Indiana Jones Adventure!

LOKI: I’ll send you to the front of the line. [LOKI waves his hand, NARFI disappears in a puff of smoke.]

VALI: The teacups!

SIGYN: Again?

LOKI sighs.

LOKI: Off you go! [Another handwave, puff of smoke, etc.]

SIGYN, cozying up to LOKI: What about you, Al?

LOKI, quietly: MY name isn’t Al. [Louder:] I thought I’d visit the Princesses, but the guards won’t let me in.

SIGYN, aside: I’ll bet. [To LOKI:] You must miss your girl buddies. No one can braid your hair like they do.

LOKI, to SIGYN: Did I ever tell you why Heimdall has nine mothers?

SIGYN, patting his hand: Yes, dear. Let’s find a bar.

LOKI: Good idea. [waves hand, puff of smoke, they both disappear.]

**End scene 1.**

**[Cut to commercial ...]**


	3. Act 2: Behind the scenes

**[Cut to commercial fails.]**

**Behind the scenes:**

KEVIN FEIGE (President, Marvel Studios), on the phone to SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Please, this episode needs more oomph. We audience tested it.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (voice only): Well, what do you want me to do about it?

KEVIN FEIGE: We need NICK FURY.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (voice only): In person, or just the voice?

KEVIN FEIGE: We can make do with just the voice.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (voice only): One million dollars, and a Black Capital One card.

KEVIN FEIGE: Done. [Puts down the telephone.] Damn you, Marvel contracts.

**[Cut to commercial.]**

**Still behind the scenes:**

KEVIN FEIGE, on the telephone again: Robert, I need you in California right now.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR (voice only): Yeah, but I’m in London right now. _Sherlock Holmes_. What’s up?

KEVIN FEIGE: The Loki show needs a boost. You’re fighting him. In Disneyland.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR (voice only): Way to cross-promote. What? You just need me in the suit? Twenty million dollars.

KEVIN FEIGE: No, we need to see your smiling face. And there may be a post-credits scene.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR (voice only): Fifty million.

KEVIN FEIGE and ROBERT DOWNEY JR (voice only), in unison, saying it like a toast: Damn you, Marvel contracts!


	4. Act 2, Scene 2

**Scene 2** : Malibu. Shot for convenience outside ROBERT DOWNEY JR.’s real house. TONY STARK is in his IRON MAN suit, with the helmet open, playing croquet on the manicured lawn.

FRIDAY (voice only): Sir?

TONY STARK is making a delicate putt. The gold ball lands –snick!—against a red ball.

TONY STARK: Yeah, what is it Friday?

FRIDAY (voice only): Telephone, sir. Mister Nick Fury.

TONY STARK: Yeah, I’ll take it. Nick, you old son-of-a-bitch! How’re you doing? What’s up?

NICK FURY: Robert, you know you can’t say things like that on television!

ROBERT DOWNEY JR/TONY STARK: Eh, they’ll fix it in post. What’s up?

NICK FURY clears his throat: It’s Loki! He’s taking over Disneyland! And since you’re the only Avenger on the West Coast…

TONY STARK: Yeah, yeah, got it. Lemme finish this shot and I’ll be right there.

TONY STARK sets up the croquet strike and slams the red ball into the stratosphere!

TONY STARK: Got you, you bastard! Oh wait, that’s one of mine, too. Oh well.

TONY STARK drops the mallet and closes his visor.

**End scene 2.**

**[Commercial]**


	5. Act 2, Scene 3

**Scene 3.** Main Street Disneyland, right at the entrance. This is another painted backdrop. IRON MAN lands stage extreme left, in the background [Remove wires in post-production] and disappears behind a convenient tree. Enter TONY STARK, fully suited, from the left, holding his hand to his ear.

TONY STARK: Okay, Nick. I’m here. I don’t see any disturbances, though. What now?

NICK FURY (voice only): Tony, what’s in your wallet?

TONY STARK: Beats me. These suits don’t have pockets. Why?

NICK FURY (voice only): Then how did you get in? Did you pay admission?

TONY STARK: No, I just landed here.

SMALL CHILD walks up to TONY STARK.

SMALL CHILD: Hey, mister, that suit looks fake.

TONY STARK: Buzz off, Harley.

TONY STARK holds an armored hand up to his armored forehead as a visor, looks around.

TONY STARK: Now if I were a supervillain bent on destruction, where would I be?

Enter LOKI and FAMILY from the right. NARFI’s stuffed bilgesnipe is suddenly yapping like a small dog.

TONY STARK: There!

LOKI: You!

TONY STARK: Get away from those hostages!

LOKI [aside]: Hostages? [Louder]: Oh, to Hel with it!

LOKI gestures—poof!—and the whole family disappears.

**End Scene 3. End Act 2. Cut to commercial.**

*******


	6. Act 3, Scene 1

**Scene 1** : The Bundy living room, again. There is a growling sound in the room and all the sofa pillows have been shredded into cotton wool and foam.

SIGYN, brightly: Did you children have a good time?

VALI, pouting: We didn’t get anything to eat.

LOKI, looking at the destruction: Neither did Fenris, apparently. Narfi, put him outside.

NARFI, moping, goes to the Inside Door. The growling stops. Exit NARFI, pursued by giant wolf.

NARFI, entering again: I’m hungry, too.

LOKI, short-tempered: So what do you want to eat?

NARFI sits on the ruined couch, opens his Disney Store bag, and pulls out a comic book.

NARFI: This is an early one. You versus the Avengers. It says here…

LOKI: What?

NARFI: It says here you turned all the cars in New York City into ice cream.

LOKI, looking over NARFI’s shoulder: Did I really do that?

VALI: I want ice-cream!

NARFI: Me, too!

SIGYN: Me, three!

LOKI: All right, I’m peckish too. And I know just where to go…

\--poof!—

**End scene 1.**


	7. Act 3, Scene 2

**Scene 2**. Malibu. Shot for convenience outside ROBERT DOWNEY JR.’s real house. SIGYN, NARFI and VALI are eating ice-cream cones.

SIGYN: Rolls-Royce crunch! My favorite!

NARFI: I like the Thunderbird double swirl.

VALI: I’m [looks at NARFI, shuts up.] I mean…I like it too.

Enter LOKI eating a bowl of green ice cream with a spoon.

LOKI: But there’s nothing like Minty Bugatti!

Voice of TONY STARK in the distance: HEY!

LOKI: Oops! [Waves with his spoon, and the family disappears in a poof of smoke.]

**End scene 2. End Act 3. Cut to commercial.**


	8. Credits and Postcredit Scene 1

**Credits run.**

**[You already know most of them]**

**Friday … Scarlett Johansson**

**Small Child …. Mark Ruffalo**

**Bilgesnipe …. Bobby the Dog**

**[technical credits]**

**[tombstones]**

**Post credit scene 1:** Bundy family living room, all fixed up as before, but with new pillows on the couch. Most of the new pillows are shiny green satin, or else gold sequined. LOKI and SIGYN are drinking champagne.

SIGYN: Are you still bored, my love?

LOKI, with a laugh: Not really. What about you?

SIGYN: Oh, it was quite a nice day. Except…

LOKI: Except?

SIGYN: Well, there’s fun we could be having, without the kids.

LOKI: Do you mean…?

SIGYN: Could you, Loki? Please?

LOKI [aside]): She used my _actual_ name! [to SIGYN]: Of course, dear, just let me…

LOKI raises his free hand, does a complex waving motion over his head. Poof! Turns into ED O’NEILL (as Al Bundy).

SIGYN: Al! [She falls into his arms.]

**End scene.**

**Post credit-credits:**

**and Ed O’Neill as Al Bundy.**


	9. Post Credit Scene 2

**Post credit scene 2:** Malibu. Shot for convenience outside ROBERT DOWNEY JR.’s real house. ROBERT, in a clashing-colored outfit featuring lederhosen and tabi socks, is looking around him at the devastation: cars are melted, steaming; some have ice-cream-scoop dimples removed from them.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR: What the hell happened to my cars?

**END!**


End file.
